Next Day Delivery
by Cassandra Erica, 2017
James: I’ve placed an order, mother, and it will be here shortly. I even paid extra for overnight postage.
Mother: Are you sure it will get here, dear? Should we order another just in case?
James: Nonsense, nonsense. The postal service is of the prestige of being one of the most efficient and revered pillars of our fine government. I have more faith in the postmen than I have in God himself, mother! You’ll have your new kidney in no time.
~
James: I must say, your skin is a wonderfully fashionable tint of grey.
Mother: Thank you. I’ve been so worried about what people think of me lately. I really makes me self conscious to be constantly producing those moaning noises as I try to breathe.
James: I’ve found that the younger girls are beginning to do that. You’re really quite the trendsetter.
Mother: Now, James… the package is supposed to arrive today, right?
James: Of course. It’s been overnight at least once since I ordered yesterday.
Mother: Well, don’t you think we should arrange for a doctor to put it in?
James: Oh, mother, you are a product of your time, aren’t you? Why, everyone knows you don’t need a doctor for that. This is modern medicine we have now, with modern advances, modern amenities, modern advertisements on the side of buses! Nowadays, kidneys, hearts, and the like - all those transplants - they’re all just taken orally! It’s a pill in the morning, one for the afternoon, and the evening, the morning again… and so on. They say it’s very dangerous to skip a dose, though. Something about getting antibodies against growing new organs. The immune system is such a silly thing, isn’t it? I suppose they should do away with it; as far as I know it serves no practical purpose.
Mother: Yes, dear. Whatever you think is best. I’m feeling rather tired…
James: Well don’t nap now, mother, I’ve a surprise for you. I invited over cousin Frederick to see you! You always liked him, didn’t you?
Mother: Oh, Frederick. He’s such a nice boy. He used to play on the porch with your sister.
James: Mother… I haven’t got a sister.
[Frederick enters]
Frederick: Hello, Auntie! Hello, James!
James: It’s wonderful to see you, Frederick. How’s the practice?
Frederick: Oh, just fine, just fine. Most of my clients have gotten out of prison time one way or another. Hey, tell me, what ever happened to your actor friend? I’ve been dying to meet him since we last spoke.
James: Oh, well, you see… he unfortunately passed away last week.
Frederick: Of what cause?
James: He was a really terrific actor, you know, always really getting ingrained into a character, making the character a part of himself. Sometimes you couldn’t tell it was him anymore when he was involved in a role.
Frederick: So what happened?
James: Unfortunately, he was cast as a suicidal telemarketer.
Frederick: How tragic. So… what seems to be the problem with your mother?
James: Well, she’s unfortunately quite ill with kidney failure. But I have arranged for her to get a new kidney today.
Frederick: Oh, that’s wonderful! So, will it be brought here?
James: Where else?
Frederick: And when can she expect to be healed?
James: No more than a few days from now, I’m sure. Though I don’t recall exactly how long the course lasts.
Frederick: Ah, yes, well, so long as she isn’t in any pain, she should take anything she needs.
[Knocking at the door]
James: Oh, that might be it, now!
[James exits to check front door]
Mother: Frederick!
Frederick: Yes, Auntie?
Mother: You do remember Sally, right?
Frederick: I don’t know anyone by that name.
Mother: Or was it… Michelle? Julia? Rita?
Frederick: Are you trying to set me up... again? I already told you, Auntie. I’m married to my law practice and Todd.
[James enters]
James: Alas, just Mormons.
Frederick: Wait, is this why you invited me here, James? Just so she could pair me with one of her floozies? This pretext of kidney failure is sickeningly deceptive, frankly disgusting, and obviously false! She’s clearly a healthful, radiant shade of grey!
James: What?
Frederick: All she ever says to me is “Do you remember her,” “What do you think of this one,” “Doesn’t she have a nice bum?” Well I’m tired of it; she just rattled off four names all at once. I’m leaving.
James: No, wait, you don’t understand! She just can’t remember the name of my sister!
Frederick: You haven’t got a sister!
[Frederick exits]
James: How rude can one be? I must say, I am very disappointed in him. He’ll be receiving a sternly written letter within four to five business days.
Mother: When is the postman going to be here with my kidney?
James: Well, it’s past delivery times now… I’m sure it will get here tomorrow.
~
James: Good morning, mother! What would you like for breakfast?
Mother: [Gurgling sounds]
James: Pancakes, medium rare? Not a problem at all.
~
[James enters from kitchen, holding plate of dark black pucks]
James: Sorry, mother, they got a little overdone. I’ll give you extra syrup if you need it. I just got distracted from it when Frederick called on the phone. He said he’s very sorry about yesterday and hopes to make it up to you. So he’s bought us air fare to Paris! As soon as you get better, we’ll pack our bags and make our way there.
Mother:
James: You know, you used to be a much better conversationalist before this whole kidney thing.
Mother: [Shallow exhale]
James: Alright, you don’t have to tell me twice. I’ll whip up a new batch, and I won’t burn it this time!
~
[James enters from kitchen with plate of actual pancakes]
James: Well, mother, if I do say so myself these are the best pancakes I’ve ever made. I gave them the utmost care and attention, added the most luxurious of spices, and I even drew a little happy face on top with the syrup.
[A fly buzzes around Mother]
James: You really must work on your hygiene.
Mother:
James: Mother?
~
James: Yes, is this the hospital?
Receptionist: It is. What is your inquiry?
James: Well, I think we need a doctor here. May I order one?
Receptionist: I’m sorry?
James: I require the services of one of your doctors at my home, I’m afraid there’s a bit of a medical issue and I really must order a doctor delivered here, preferably in thirty minutes or less. I’ll tip well.
Receptionist: I can’t send a doctor, but I can send you an ambulance. What seems to be the trouble?
James: Well, she seems to be slightly deceased.
Receptionist: Depressed?
James: No, deceased.
Receptionist: Sir, if you’re serious, I believe you should be aware that death is a very serious medical issue.
James: Well, go ahead and order an ambulance for me, then. But I’ll speak to your manager if it gets here cold.
~
James: Clarkson™ Brand Free Range Organic Kidney - a review. I purchased this product five days ago with overnight shipping and it just now arrived. I was lead to believe (by websites other than this one) that this would be a course of pills, but it appears that instead this product is some sort of tenderloin. Since it arrived long after the original purpose for it was unfortunately passed, I decided to see how well it would cook with some mushrooms and onions. Unfortunately, I was distracted by a phone call from my cousin Frederick, who tells me I may be prosecuted for “elder abuse,” and I left the kidney in the oven too long. It was very chewy and tasted vaguely of bleach, but the mushrooms were perfectly cooked. Since this review is to be only for the product, and not for the shipping speed, I can’t fault it much for not getting here in time. Four and a half stars.